All That I Am
by sjr
Summary: Where Puck is comforting and Kurt is broken. Sequel to 'The Curse, It Is Cast'


Title: All That I Am  
Beta: None  
Rating: Mature  
Disclaimer: I don't even look anything like Ryan Murphy; you really think that this is mine?  
Warnings: Angst, implied past dub-con, language  
Spoilers: None; brief mention of 'Sectionals', but that's it  
Pairing: Puck/Kurt  
Summary: Where Puck is comforting and Kurt is broken  
A/N1: Sequel to 'The Curse, It Is Cast'  
Title from 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol

* * *

All That I Am

Puck's body thrums with tension as he sits at the steering wheel in his truck. He is wound tight, heart clenching in concern and anger and guilt. He should have done something sooner.

He needs to help Kurt; that, he can plainly see, but how is another question.

This is so fucked up.

Sighing, he switches the radio on, hoping for a slight distraction to calm him from his swirling thoughts. The Fray's 'How To Save A Life' comes blasting from the speakers.

"_And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life"_

_Not fucking helping,_ he thinks, snarling internally, and switches it back off.

He has absolutely no idea how he can rebuild Kurt, how he can save him. Puck does not do sensitivity and emotions bullshit. He talks with his fists.

Suddenly, the first step is bitterly, gratefully clear.

He drives off with a plan in mind.

The next day, the whole school is on fire with gossip; last night, someone fucked Dave Karofsky up, they fucked him up bad. No one knows who did it, because the asshole is being smart for once and keeping his mouth shut, but Puck knows. Karofsky had been beaten pretty bad, but it wasn't bad enough to kill him; no, the intention was to warn him, to warn him that if he ever dared to touch one hair on Kurt Hummel's head again, that he would get fucked up again, and this time the intention will be to kill him. Puck figures that some people suspect him, but no one has questioned him, so as far as he's concerned, this part of the matter is resolved.

No one is ever going to touch Kurt again unless he wants to be touched.

He doesn't see him again until lunch, when he passes him in the hallway. Kurt raises his gaze, eyes blue green and shining like starlight, and offers him a tentative little smile.

"Thank you," He whispers, soft and breathy and honest.

Puck nods in answer, accepting this role easily, this part he'll now have to play.

The next step is going to be difficult; he has to get Kurt to trust him, to let his guard down enough that he'll let Puck in. They have no more bathroom encounters together now, but Puck knows he has to be Kurt's comforter, his protector, his carer. It has to happen gradually, has to be handled carefully, but after that comes the really heavy stuff; helping Kurt to cope, to heal. But he has to earn his trust first. They'll see how it goes from there.

The thing is, it's hard to tell how Kurt is, hard to really see. Puck has always thought that, for at least some of their life, people are only acting, pretending. Some people have to do it more often, some people are better actors than others. Kurt is a better actor than anyone else Puck has ever seen; he deserves an Oscar for this perfect play of his. The cracks are showing, however. He trembles ever so slightly when someone bigger than him or one of the jocks are near; he's speaking less and smiling more, but it's a perfectly crafted fake smile, the kind you paint on when nothing is okay but you're saying it is. He's become so thin, but no one really seems to have noticed; he had a growth spurt recently, after Sectionals, so it's natural to assume it's just because his body built has changed. He constantly looks haggard, getting no sleep, but he's covered it all up with make-up, playing up his femme side. He bites his nails, a nervous habit, and his hair is looking less fabulous than usual.

He's unravelling at the seams, and it's all Puck's responsibility.

He starts out slow- talks about music in Glee, interacts just a little more, acts badass around the others but is more gentle, more careful around Kurt. Ever since BabyGate no one pays his behaviour much heed, if he's happy or depressed or what, and he's actually a little deliriously happy no one else seems to notice or care if he hangs around with Kurt more. Mercedes sometimes shoots him dirty looks or whispers to Kurt, but hasn't brought anything up yet; Finn almost confronted him once, almost, and that's another thing he'll have to deal with, Kurt's whole broken sexual side, but he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it.

He spends time with him at lunch, makes sure that he eats well, makes him laugh genuine laughter by doing stupid, entertaining things that won't really fix anything but make it hurt less for a little while. He has no idea how the hell Kurt can still stand to go to school, can still stroll down these halls like nothing is wrong. He's probably acting again, trying to be strong, so Puck always walks with him. Sometimes, he takes Kurt's hand in his, and squeezes. Lets him lean on him, because they're getting closer, getting better.

Kurt has become relaxed enough in his presence to let Puck touch him sometimes, a casual pat here or there, an arm around the shoulder with him stiff underneath. All sorts of rumours are flying around now about them, his reputation shattered, but Puck doesn't give a damn about it any more; all he cares about is Kurt.

Curiously enough, the real breaking point occurs in that same bathroom, almost four months after the whole thing started when Puck first found Kurt. He's helping the other boy to clean up after a particularly bad slushie facial when suddenly, Kurt starts crying, and this time it is those heart-wrenching, high-pitched, breathless, soul-crushing sobs. He is shaking so badly, tears welling and falling hotly, harshly, looking so utterly destroyed, and Puck knows that this is when it changes; when Kurt falls and he catches him. Puck embraces him, shields him, holding him like some tiny little animal with delicate, brittle bones. Gets them to sit on the floor, up against the wall, runs his hands in soothing circles over Kurt's back. He wants to say something, anything, to say that everything will be alright, that he'll fix everything, to even just say that Kurt will make himself sick if he carries on crying so hard. But no words come.

Eventually, some do.

"Come stop your crying  
It will be alright  
Just take my hand  
Hold it tight  
I will protect you  
From all around you  
I will be here  
Don't you cry

For one so small  
You seem so strong  
My arms will hold you  
Keep you safe and warm  
This bond between us  
Can't be broken  
I will be here, don't you cry…"

(Hey, it's his sister's favourite movie, and Phil Collins isn't that bad)

He sings the rest of the song, softly, caressing, vowing to the heartbroken boy every line, those achingly beautiful eyes still crying, still hurting and those walls tumbling down, crumbling into dust, the mask, the illusion, shattered.

Eventually, some time after Puck's stopped singing and is just holding Kurt, keeping him together, keeping him from being swept away in the tide of his overwhelming emotions, Kurt talks. He talks about the first time it happened, about how it happened.

"It _hurt_. I don't think I've ever been in more pain. I was bleeding, just lying there, and he looked at him, as if I was disgusting… I _am_ disgusting." And he mewls, an ugly little self-hating sound in the back of his throat, and it radiates off him in waves.

"No, you're beautiful." Puck insists, believing it deep down to his soul.

"No, I'm not!" He wails, suddenly becoming slightly hysterical. "I'm disgusting and shameful and weak and pathetic! I'm ugly, I'm so fucked up… I'm damaged goods." He whispers, then laughs bitterly. "Who would want me now?"

"_I_ want you." Puck says, but doesn't kiss him. Kurt is too fragile right now, too messed up to have to deal with Puck right now. But he holds him closer, feels Kurt's heart against his, strokes his hair longingly, shushes the tears. He loves Kurt, cares for him deeply, can offer him comfort, can offer him warm arms to hold him. He knows that it's like a band aid over a bullet wound, but Puck will give Kurt all he's got for as long as he's here.

"Puck…" Kurt starts, going completely lax against him, giving up the fight. "You are amazing, Kurt. You're so fucking amazing… But you can't see it right now, can't see your way out of this. Neither can I. I won't lie to you, I'm not going to promise you anything, that it'll all be alright, but Kurt, even though I have no fucking idea how to deal with this, I am going to promise you one thing: I am always going to be here. I won't leave your side." He allows himself to nuzzle his face into Kurt's hair; this may be his only opportunity to do so, to indulge in one little thing and steps back to be whatever Kurt wants him to be. "I'll be your rock, if you let me. I won't let anyone hurt you. I'll be a shoulder for you to cry on, I'll do my very fucking best to heal you… Save your life…"

Kurt sighs, and closes his eyes, leaning on Puck fully now, cradled in his arms like something precious. Maybe he'll never he right again, but if Puck wanted him, he could have him.


End file.
